new rules contd....
36) many momentous events have occured since my last post, which have shaken not only the bohra qaum to the core, but caused earth-shaking tremors as far away as indonesia and australia/new zealand, to famines, riots, floods and financial crises in asia, africa, the EU and USA. but of them all, the greatest event since the birth of mankind was......you guessed it, the appointment of his successor by the dai, viz. manhoos... oops! sorry! mansoos. while the bohras luxuriate in the knowledge that their future is secure and free from all these natural disasters, being under the thanda saaya of the nirala karam ane beshumaar ehsaan of their bawa shafiq and his mansoos, the rest of mankind are struck by the wrath of the gods above, cursed and doomed for their non-faith in the appointed manhoos,... sorry again, mansoos.
what very few bohras are unaware of though, except for only a few in the top echelons of saifee mahal (which includes my secret source located high above in the hierarchy - "deep throat") is that the new dai has also chosen and appointed his mansoos as well. thus we have a unique, unprecedented and extremely happy occasion in our history. this phenomenon has never occured before, neither in the annals of the ismaili tayyebi mustaali dawoodi bohras nor in the entire history of human civilization, when 3 syednas (read godmen/prophets/sages/divine appointees) have existed simultaneously on this earth!!! indeed we are blessed as we are the unbelievably fortunate few and chosen of all divine creation to witness this amazing miracle of the power that controls us. imagine the billions who have passed before us and the trillions that will come after us, none will ever experience this mind boggling spirituality bestowed upon us!! indeed we bohras of today are giants among the puny men around us. we are in effect and for all practical purposes been elevated to the level of farishtas in angelic white, floating high above this miserable swamp of humanity, extolling the virtues of our trinity of syednas, hallowed by their presence, floating among clouds of serendipity, wafting perfumes of heavenly bliss and ecstasy on our fellow mumeneen and ourselves...
the new dai has appointed his mansoos in a very secret ceremony, where the young acolyte was administered the traditional oaths full of esoteric ilm, echoing the grand and deeply spiritual practices from the hoary past of our ancestors stretching to nabi adam and all the way upto aql al awwal.
now that this profound event has come to pass, it has been decided to have the following new rules which naturally spring forth with exuberance amongst our joyous mumeneen:
as is our sacred practise - every bohra home, business, car, yacht, warehouse, aircraft, resort, hotel etc must be adorned with pictures of atleast 4 duatul mutleqeen: i.e syedna TS, syedna MB, his mansoos and the mansoos's mansoos, the latter's portrait going up only when he is publicly revealed of course. every bohra must make careful provisions to have a suitable pride of place in his abode, place of business etc, where such holy portraits can be displayed.
considering that confusion has prevailed in the past re: sizes, colors, suitable framing and acceptable poses of syednas, the high powered committee in dawate hadiyah has decided to engage the best photographer in the business who regularly shoots celebrities like aishwarya rai, the big b, the british royals etc to shoot the syednas and their mansoos's. lest someone interpret this as an act of violence and impiety, ('shooting' men of allah, astakferullah!) it should be clarified that this is common parlance in papparazzo circles.
all mumeneen will display only vazarat determined standard sizes of portraits in gilt frames. of course those blessed with mafsuhiyat and hadiyat will be allowed bigger pictures and more expensive frames to reflect their prestigious status in our society.
these pictures and choice of frames will be available only from bohra jamaat offices in all bilaads and moze's at a cost fixed by vazaratus saifiyah.
every bohra house and workplace will be inspected by jamaat committee members for strict compliance with these sacred commandments.
none of these portraits must face a toilet/washroom or kitchen. it is highly recommended that these portraits be kept in the general direction of the kaaba.
they must be kept clean and shining at all times, preferably with a bakhoor scented cloth.
all corporate stationery, viz. vajebaat forms, arzi letters, wedding invitations, safai chitthis, e-jamaat cards, ruku chithhis, jamaat registration forms etc must reflect mention of all the 4 syednas. of course, these formats will be supplied by the vazarat.
each and every joyous occasion in the life of every bohra must include salaams to all 4 syednas, both past deceased and gracefully alive amongst us. this is besides the salaams for mazoon and mukasir sahebs and imamuzzaman.
every mumeen bhai, behen and their farzando and naunihalo must henceforth pray 8 rakats namaaz after every fardh, i.e. 2 rakats with niyyat for every syedna. niyyat of jannat no mewo for the marhoom dai and duniya no mewo and tulul umr for the one's hayat and blessing us.
whether one living syedna is present or all 3 together, every momeen will henceforth carry out 4 sajdas for the syednas. these include sajda e ubudiya, sajda e taqbilul ardh, sajda e taqriman and sajda e imamiyah qudsaniyah.
if in any majalis, all 3 syednas are present and presiding over us but seated in different locations, sajdas must be carried out for them in every direction in which they are enthroned.
any bohra wishing to offer ziyafat or requesting pagla where all 3 syednas grace his humble abode at the same time will have to charter a pvt aircraft to bring them from any corner of the world wherever they may be doing khidmat at the time. this will be in addition to a salaam of 6 crores (2 crores per syedna) + variety of menus to suit their divine palates and delicate healths + a fleet of rolls royces driven only by nkd's or mkd's + brand new bathrooms equipped with tropical rain showers and baths.
it gives me great pleasure conveying these amazing tidings of heavenly joy to fellow mumeneen. i have tried to bring this news in advance of eid, so that this eid becomes the greatest celebration you ever had. i beseech my fellow bohras, this eid give all you have to our dai's and mansoos's, lutawi do, bhaley kangal thai jao, pan mola par nichawar kariney malamaal thai jao.. jo tamara dil ma valvalo hoi, to tamey zalzalo kari nakhjo....