New Rules..!!

[DMY]

Or has he gone back to the fold and become a hardcore abde

[SBM]

DMY
I was told by my contacts in high place that AZ has been hired as a consultant to draw up new rules for the new cabinets of 53 Dai
and he has been hard at work.

[DMY]

OMG....so whatever he suggested may be finally coming true.

[Al Zulfiqar]

new rules contd....

36) many momentous events have occured since my last post, which have shaken not only the bohra qaum to the core, but caused earth-shaking tremors as far away as indonesia and australia/new zealand, to famines, riots, floods and financial crises in asia, africa, the EU and USA. but of them all, the greatest event since the birth of mankind was......you guessed it, the appointment of his successor by the dai, viz. manhoos... oops! sorry! mansoos. while the bohras luxuriate in the knowledge that their future is secure and free from all these natural disasters, being under the thanda saaya of the nirala karam ane beshumaar ehsaan of their bawa shafiq and his mansoos, the rest of mankind are struck by the wrath of the gods above, cursed and doomed for their non-faith in the appointed manhoos,... sorry again, mansoos.

what very few bohras are unaware of though, except for only a few in the top echelons of saifee mahal (which includes my secret source located high above in the hierarchy - "deep throat") is that the new dai has also chosen and appointed his mansoos as well. thus we have a unique, unprecedented and extremely happy occasion in our history. this phenomenon has never occured before, neither in the annals of the ismaili tayyebi mustaali dawoodi bohras nor in the entire history of human civilization, when 3 syednas (read godmen/prophets/sages/divine appointees) have existed simultaneously on this earth!!! indeed we are blessed as we are the unbelievably fortunate few and chosen of all divine creation to witness this amazing miracle of the power that controls us. imagine the billions who have passed before us and the trillions that will come after us, none will ever experience this mind boggling spirituality bestowed upon us!! indeed we bohras of today are giants among the puny men around us. we are in effect and for all practical purposes been elevated to the level of farishtas in angelic white, floating high above this miserable swamp of humanity, extolling the virtues of our trinity of syednas, hallowed by their presence, floating among clouds of serendipity, wafting perfumes of heavenly bliss and ecstasy on our fellow mumeneen and ourselves...

the new dai has appointed his mansoos in a very secret ceremony, where the young acolyte was administered the traditional oaths full of esoteric ilm, echoing the grand and deeply spiritual practices from the hoary past of our ancestors stretching to nabi adam and all the way upto aql al awwal.

now that this profound event has come to pass, it has been decided to have the following new rules which naturally spring forth with exuberance amongst our joyous mumeneen:

as is our sacred practise - every bohra home, business, car, yacht, warehouse, aircraft, resort, hotel etc must be adorned with pictures of atleast 4 duatul mutleqeen: i.e syedna TS, syedna MB, his mansoos and the mansoos's mansoos, the latter's portrait going up only when he is publicly revealed of course. every bohra must make careful provisions to have a suitable pride of place in his abode, place of business etc, where such holy portraits can be displayed.

considering that confusion has prevailed in the past re: sizes, colors, suitable framing and acceptable poses of syednas, the high powered committee in dawate hadiyah has decided to engage the best photographer in the business who regularly shoots celebrities like aishwarya rai, the big b, the british royals etc to shoot the syednas and their mansoos's. lest someone interpret this as an act of violence and impiety, ('shooting' men of allah, astakferullah!) it should be clarified that this is common parlance in papparazzo circles.

all mumeneen will display only vazarat determined standard sizes of portraits in gilt frames. of course those blessed with mafsuhiyat and hadiyat will be allowed bigger pictures and more expensive frames to reflect their prestigious status in our society.

these pictures and choice of frames will be available only from bohra jamaat offices in all bilaads and moze's at a cost fixed by vazaratus saifiyah.

every bohra house and workplace will be inspected by jamaat committee members for strict compliance with these sacred commandments.

none of these portraits must face a toilet/washroom or kitchen. it is highly recommended that these portraits be kept in the general direction of the kaaba.

they must be kept clean and shining at all times, preferably with a bakhoor scented cloth.

all corporate stationery, viz. vajebaat forms, arzi letters, wedding invitations, safai chitthis, e-jamaat cards, ruku chithhis, jamaat registration forms etc must reflect mention of all the 4 syednas. of course, these formats will be supplied by the vazarat.

each and every joyous occasion in the life of every bohra must include salaams to all 4 syednas, both past deceased and gracefully alive amongst us. this is besides the salaams for mazoon and mukasir sahebs and imamuzzaman.

every mumeen bhai, behen and their farzando and naunihalo must henceforth pray 8 rakats namaaz after every fardh, i.e. 2 rakats with niyyat for every syedna. niyyat of jannat no mewo for the marhoom dai and duniya no mewo and tulul umr for the one's hayat and blessing us.

whether one living syedna is present or all 3 together, every momeen will henceforth carry out 4 sajdas for the syednas. these include sajda e ubudiya, sajda e taqbilul ardh, sajda e taqriman and sajda e imamiyah qudsaniyah.

if in any majalis, all 3 syednas are present and presiding over us but seated in different locations, sajdas must be carried out for them in every direction in which they are enthroned.

any bohra wishing to offer ziyafat or requesting pagla where all 3 syednas grace his humble abode at the same time will have to charter a pvt aircraft to bring them from any corner of the world wherever they may be doing khidmat at the time. this will be in addition to a salaam of 6 crores (2 crores per syedna) + variety of menus to suit their divine palates and delicate healths + a fleet of rolls royces driven only by nkd's or mkd's + brand new bathrooms equipped with tropical rain showers and baths.

it gives me great pleasure conveying these amazing tidings of heavenly joy to fellow mumeneen. i have tried to bring this news in advance of eid, so that this eid becomes the greatest celebration you ever had. i beseech my fellow bohras, this eid give all you have to our dai's and mansoos's, lutawi do, bhaley kangal thai jao, pan mola par nichawar kariney malamaal thai jao.. jo tamara dil ma valvalo hoi, to tamey zalzalo kari nakhjo....

[SAJJAD]

Welcome back Brother Al Zulfiqar after a long time. We really missed your posts.

Your New Rules Series are Rocking and Fantastic. Specially I like the title "Manhoos"

[ANA BOHRI]

Welcome back Br. Zulfikar.Its really great to see you back on forum.
take care

[Conscíous]

Bienvenue à nouveau

[DMY]

Welcome back with a bang!!!!

[aflatoon]

well conceived and well written rules AZ as per the traditon of continually brainwashing techniques in DB community since last 30 years i have seen many changes no doubt many of ur rules will see the light of the day in near future .

[Al Zulfiqar]

thank you bros sajjad, ana bohri, dmy, aflatoon, boom et al..!

most of these news and rules are of course based on the info provided to me by 'deep throat', my trusted confidante' lurking deep inside saifee mahal...

some more exciting rules are heading your way.. keep watching this thread.

[aflatoon]

keeping in mind the DB tradition you have posted already 36 rules so more 17 are awaited as of now the counting ends there.

[porus]

al Zulfiqar,

Welcome back. Have not headr from you tool az-zamaan. I hope you have been well but otherwise engaged in deep discussions with deep throat. I love your contribution.

[Conscíous]

keeping in mind the DB tradition you have posted already 36 rules so more 17 are awaited as of now the counting ends there.

Isn't that a "Abde" tradition ?? As long as this sect exist, new rules are going to come.. So putting a limit to this thread would be injustice to it!!

[Al Zulfiqar]

porus,

thanks for your kind compliments and also concerns about my health.

alhamdolillah, i am doing fine healthwise, just been too busy physically and too preoccupied mentally with business and travel to contribute. i have tried to keep abreast of developments on this board whenever i could and am thankful that members keep contributing and participating with their usual fervour and enthusiasm. i learn a lot from here, this forum provides more inside news and information than all the sycophantic bohra websites put together and more..

it often confounds my fanatic abde friends how i am able to know so much and in such detail when i hardly ever attend our jamaat functions. for that alone, kudos are due to this forum. the very fact that so many die-hard abdes feel the need to come and defend their misplaced beliefs here, is a tacit acknowledgement of the power of this forum.

[ghulam muhammed]

Welcome back Bro. Al-zulfiqar, we really missed your hillarious, tongue-in-cheek and bombastic inputs on this forum.

[SBM]

So my sources were correct that AZ was hired as consultant to draw up new rules for cabinet of 53rd, now tell us did you charge the Hefty fees to Kothari Goons or are you on commission basis fee? and is that this the reason the Sabil has been increased 3 times in many places and are you also responsible for this new revenue generating idea of "WAJEBAAT FROM FARZANDO" If answer is yes, we need to recommend you to US Congress for our debt reduction
i heard the rumors that you also suggested that residents of Western and Gulf Countries should be charged $ 52.00 per month for car parking at Markarz. Is that true?
WELCOME BACK AND EID MUBARAK

[DMY]

As anajmi would say....there are couple more days before eid.

[Al Zulfiqar]

bros gm and omabharati,

thanks for your hearty welcome!

and no, i am not an advisor at the nefarious military headquarters of this empire of evil. if i was, i would become an integral part of their machinery of exploitation and loot. then i would be busy raking in the greenbacks and bricks of gold and shovelling bucketfuls of diamonds etc, i would be rolling in the treasures of midas, but would be extremely poor of soul.

i'd rather have my humble bajra no rotlo and marcha ni chutney than the haram no khazano accumulated by manipulating the innocent and ignorant followers of the deen of allah!

but yes, some of the rumors you have mentioned will soon come to pass.... 'deep throat' will confirm them for me shortly when i post the newest rule.

[Al Zulfiqar]

new rules contd...

37) as the star of the 52nd dai fades alongwith his health and his spark of his life and the star of the manhoos, oops, sorry, the mansoos, ascends the skies, several new rules are being formulated by the mansoos' high powered executive committee.

a) all markaz's and masjids where there are dedicated car parks will charge $ 153/= per vehicle per year or its local currency equivalent.
b) as per grand bohra tradition all titled abdes sit according to their status and hierachy during majlises, bayans etc. the amil's kids/relatives have a special position, or any qasre aali's, followed by mkd's, nkd's, sheikhs, mullas etc. of course the zakereen have a special concession made for them as they play the important role of cheerleaders during majlises. but now the high powered committee (henceforth to be known as HPC) has decided to go further and sell spaces in concentric rings which come behind the titled polar bears. each ring will be marked and numbered on the flooring and payments fixed for each circle. thus if after the supply of polar bears is exhausted in the first 2 circles, then the circle of ordinary abdes will start from ring no 3, followed by descending nos. so the higher the numbered circle you wish to be seated in, the more you will pay. there will be some concessions at the discretion of the amil and his coterie of jamaat committee members who may recommend the names of zealous khidmatguzars, prominent members of burhani scouts or talented artiste's of the burhani pipe bands and/or visitors from other bilaads and moze's. It is expected that abdes will vye ferociously for this azeemushan sharaf to be close to the presiding amil/shezaada and be counted as moving in high circles. each fee paying abde will then have his own fixed space which will be his to enjoy annually from one ramzan to the next, until such time when this auction will be held again. this emulates the scheme implemented for the bohra ladies and thus creates equality between genders. su eni niraali shaan che!
c) those abdes who do not or cannot pay at all for the privilege of having any fixed space, will be counted among the pariahs and will be quarantined and seated near the washbasins and toilets where loudspeakers will relay to them the proceedings of the action on the main floor, so that they are not completely isolated and can partake of the divine pearls of wisdom dished out by the sages trained at our jamea's. aa hamara aqa ane mola na karam ane beshumaar ehsaan che ke aap ye gharib momeen ne pan saghla ma shaamil kidha che.
d) as per latest breaking news recd from 'deep throat', dawate hadiyah has almost completed negotiations with the brihan mumbai dabbawala's association to have dabbas delivered to each and every bohra household in mumbai at a very special price. there are quite positive signs and possibilities that they may even deliver the dabbas for free if the HPC can manage and convince the dabbawalas to convert to bohraism. some reports are filtering through that the dawate hadiyah (henceforth to be known as DEH) are contemplating a piece of land in dharavi where they can build very low-cost housing for these dabbawalas and guarantee their loyalty and allegiance to mansoos mola.
e) DEH has also signed a contract with the BMDA (brihan mumbai dabbawala's association) to impart their training and expertise to bohra jamaats around the world so that the same model of dabba home delivery can be implemented. it has been reliably learnt that one of the shezaadas has been nominated to study the BMDA model and acquire a certificate from them, so that he can be fully qualified and prepared for achieving this noble goal of having each and every abde and his family eating the same menu around the world no matter where they reside. this would be the single most unifying factor for all bohras and unprecedented in human history. this shezaada is presently taking practical lessons and experience by working incognito as a dabbawala, travelling on local trains, cycling to people's houses, collecting tiffins and scampering up and down stairs and lifts in pursuit of this amazing dream.
f) instructions and policies are also being formulated on concentrating bohra populations in every bilaad, moze and vatan around our markaz's and masajids, acquiring lands and developing them so that all our communities can live together, united in a common bond of devotion, faith and worshipful practice. this being a very vast subject requiring intense study and careful planning, i will be posting details on them at a later date, by which time 'deep throat' will also have more concrete expose's for me to post.....

[Al Zulfiqar]

the silence from diehard abdes on this thread is deafening.... !!!

[Smart]

They are "shocked and awed" as Bush would say.

[Al Zulfiqar]

They are "shocked and awed" as Bush would say.

they shouldnt be. the ideas quoted by 'deep throat' re: obtaining training and support from the BMDA should be welcomed by all abdes as that will enable them receiving a smooth and efficient tiffin service in the comforts of their home ...

as mentioned by aalaa maqam and other die-hards, these are earth shaking good news and may the munafekeens burn in jealousy..

hum daily khaye halwa malida, aap khao patla palida...

[Al Zulfiqar]

new rules contd...

38) as the "koi bhi momeen bhuko na suey" (KBMBNS) tiffin service gathers momentum around the world in all the vatans, bilaads and mozes, the KBMBNS scheme is getting refined by the hour. the HPC at dawate hadiyah under the auspices of the manhoos... oops! mansoos, is adding on additional services and perquisites for the elite amongst momeneen, i.e. the nks's, mkd's, sheikhs and mullahs, not forgetting to throw in the hudud kiraam qasre aali zaada celebrities for variety. it has been realised by the the shrewd marwaris who sit on the HPC, that sooner rather than later the elite will rebel being lumped together with the ordinary hoi poloi batliwala, tyrewala and dogchainwala dal-chawal-palidu, run-of-the-mill abdes. they will need to satisfy their need to be different considering their status.

some of the ideas proposed to add value to the humble tiffin are the following:

1. regular tiffin, aluminium dabba- 3 compartments, with 3 rotis, kachumber, a slice of limbu, one dry veg, one non veg curry and plain chawal.
2. silver class, steel dabba - 4 compartments, with extra roti, 2 slices of limbu, achaar, kachumber, 2 veg, one non veg, and zeera rice.
3. gold class, steel dabba - 5 compartments, with 2 extra rotis, fancy salad, 2 veg, 2 non veg, peas pulao, and seperate pouches containing papad and mithaas.
4. platimum class, insulated thermos dabba, with 10 rotis, 2 types of fancy salads, achaar, papads, 2 veg, 3 non veg, everyday 1 bbq'd item like kababs or cutlets or tandoori chicken, chutneys, and 2 mithaas like barfi, pista/badaam/dryfruits pak etc.
5. diamond class - in this class the specific bhatiyara of your choosing from the talent pool of the KBMBNS committee will come to your house and cook for you the meals of your choice in the comfort of your own home. the committee will be responsible to see that he is well supplied with all the foods, ingredients and raw materials to fulfill your every command. this bhatiyara will not just cook, but also clean up after your meals, dispose the garbage and plan your meals in advance after consultation with members of your household.

other services are also being planned, like housemaid service, janitorial service, valet service etc. 'deep throat' is busy gathering info for me... keep watching this space.. !!

[SBM]

AZ
I think you did not get good inside information. You should know that our Moula loves Ice Cream and now in every Majlis they serve Ice Cream
Do you know what Class will be served Ice Cream may be TITANIUM or RADIUM CLASS

[Smart]

^
When is this radioactive class coming? It would really come with a big bang!

[Al Zulfiqar]

bro oma,

my info from 'deep throat' is not only reliable, but also balanced and authentic. ice cream was considered, but as you can well understand, is not suitable for a dabba, no matter how insulated it may be.

but some new additions are being considered... please hold your breath for these exciting new revelations.

[ozmujaheed]

AZ greetings , does your source know when oz will benefit these blessings?

What if I convert to an abde and am living 240km from the nearest markuz, will they keep me mehrum ?

I also want ice cream?

And by the way I hope the tiffins for oz as for Canada are upsized for our waistline !

[Al Zulfiqar]

oz,

this KBMBNS tiffin scheme is meant for abdes who generally tend to find habitat close to their respective markaz's or masjids, not for a loose and rebellious bohra whose aqeeda is questionable when he prefers to go and stay 200 miles away.

the dabba menu is fixed by the HPC, appointed by the manhoos and operating out of the bohra military command centre at saifee mahal in mumbai. if you subscribe to the diamond class service you can have the bhatiyara of your choice cooking whatever you desire no matter how remote your jungle/desert/mountain location. then you will not have to bother with all the mundane issues of the lower class abde harijans.

[ozmujaheed]

Az, I want the diamond class tiffin, and not the India size servings, upsized so something like the mega- diamond class.

What next , as you know in these countries Bai is not cheap when will the Bai service begin as kitchen queen needs more time to then just removing cooking time

[Al Zulfiqar]

this just in:
an update on rule no 38) re: KBMBNS dabbawala scheme...

a) on the payment of an additional 1 dollar or equivalent in local currency, abdes can get a small 1/4 tola bottle of syedna's phukelu pani for extra barakaat, included whenever they want in the dabba. this benefit extends across all dabba classes. of course one can always ask for a bigger 1/2 tola or even a 1 tola qty of the PP (phukelu paani) on the payment of extra money, rates of which will be fixed on demand.

i am sure that abdes will partake of this azeemushaan barakaat in their millions.

if devout bohras have any other suggestions, desires or comments, now is the right time at the inception of this noorani scheme to air them on this forum. all such ideas and suggestions will be conveyed to the bohra R&D command centre located inside saifee mahal.

thank you!